ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
