I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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