Just cropdusted the office
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
