I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
