True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
