there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
