I'm going to jail i love you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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