I understand why you refuse to be sober now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
