So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
