I want you more than these girls want KFC
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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