and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
