You can't motorboat a personality
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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