Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
