2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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