As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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