P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
