Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
