I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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