Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
