Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
