If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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