Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
