It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize