I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
