i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
