my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize