Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think my moral compass just broke
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
