i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
