it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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