I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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