I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
