Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
