Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
