WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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