Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Vodka?
Forever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
