Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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