Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
