i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can't turn off my feet"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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