I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize