my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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