Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
