I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
