The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
