i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize