She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
