at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
