If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
