Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
