listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
