she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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