if you like me you must not know who I am
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
