My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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