life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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