you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
