my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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