I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
