i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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