my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
