I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Is Oprah even human
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
