So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
