U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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